I WRITE to Myself ;)

Dear Hazel,

After what happened yesterday, I must give you a lot of credit for keeping calm. I know that after all the years of putting up with people's crap and sort of getting used to unbelievable discrimination, it still hurts. But, as usual, you kept your promise to let peace begin with you..... Still not easy, I know you wanted to shout profanity and bombard the whole world and it's people with their own crap but you chose to seek the calmness from your heart.....

Remember, you used to cry every time people try to be little you?..Well, isn't that amazing that you even had a peaceful sleep last night after the abuse and harassment you received from that woman's husband. I also thank you for choosing dignity by not allowing yourself be dragged down by angry people. It's good that you did not throw anger back ;) .....

You knew from the very first day you met these people, you strongly felt that they already have a pre-conceived notion of who you are because of the color of your skin. Your gut feeling was so strong, telling you not to deal with these people. But knowing you, you gave them the benefit of the doubt.....because even though you know that your gut feelings are always right, you try to ignore negative energy other people bring and you always tend to absorb the negative and bring it back out as positive. It's like breathing in carbon dioxide and breathing out oxygen. It takes a lot of practise to do that and fortunately, you had a lot of practise - 40 something years - imagine that! You were very honest that the design they chose won't look good on her, but would look gorgeous on a tall, slim young woman ( and would not suit a short middle age overweight woman, you thought to yourself )..You wondered why the sister in law who looked more like a brother in-law ( if you know what i mean ) was the one doing all the talking and was telling you what to do. Irritating as it was, you kept cool because you have encountered these sorts of people before. After a few experiences like these, you now know what to do, yet you still ignored your gut feeling and treat them politely and gently used the "right words" to let her know the truth that she doesn't exactly look like that tall skinny model in picture she brought......

Some women, fantasize about looking like a supper model instead of of enhancing the parts of them that are assets to them. They have no idea how difficult it is to create a design that would look good on individuals especially when they reach certain age.

Back to that woman who is controlled by her sister in-law who looks more like a brother in-law ( if you know what i mean ).....she had this lady under her thumb. It is very obvious that there is some kind of competition between them. This sister in law who looks more like a brother in-law ( if you know what i mean )...came with her for fitting and you felt that she was looking for faults. She agreed that the dress looked lovely and they were happy when they left. But you received a call from her half an hour after and saying that she doesn't like the dress anymore. You could hear the sister in-law who looks more like a brother in-law ( if you know what i mean) in the background saying to her that she looked like an old grandma in that dress. It annoyed you a bit and told the lady that if she wants to alter it then she can go and get some more materials and don't blame you if it still makes her look the way she is. She told you that she'll call again and hang up. If I were you, I would have told her that " I am a dressmaker, not a miracle worker....i can't miraculously make a skinny woman out of a fat one overnight".

Glad it wasn't me who answered the phone. Her husband called to tell you that you have been given a job and you didn't do a good job and you don't know what you are doing......and that he already called the Current Affairs program to investigate on you....

" I HOPE YOU HAVE A LICENCE TO WORK IN THIS COUNTRY OR YOU HAVE TO GO BACK TO YOUR OWN COUNTRY WHERE YOU COME FROM!!"......."I WILL PICK UP THE DRESS TOMORROW....I DON'T WANT YOU TO FINISH IT" he was very angry.......

You were furious inside ( that was me) but calmly told him that they should pay the time you worked on the dress before you hand it over to them, but he said " NO, WAIT FOR THE CURRENT AFFAIRS TO SHOW UP ON YOUR DOOR " then he hang up......

You laughed but I boiled up inside of you. These Greek people reminded me of what the Italians did to you a few years ago. Remember that short fat Italian lady who agreed with your design for her dress to wear to her son's wedding? After you finished working on the dress, she tried so hard to find faults. She was not happy with the sleeves because one is shorter than the other, but when you measured the sleeves, they were perfect. Then you measured her arms, the left is an inch shorter than the right. Remember the look on her face?. All those fifty years living on this beautiful planet earth, she just found out that she was not proportion :( and she tried to blame it on you. You and I realised that it was only a tactic they use to get your service for nothing. Those people be friended you so they can take advantage of you. They tried to teach you how to be shifty and how to avoid paying tax. They told you not to record everything you earn. But good on you, you stick to your principles and they knew that, so in the end, they distant themselves ;) ......

This experience also reminded me of that fellow Filipina who be friended you. Who asked you to make a couple of dresses but did not want to pay. You were forced to send her warnings which she ignored. Your third warning was that if you don't receive payment within a month period, you will take her to court. Then she paid. what a shame that some people need to be "threatened" to do the right thing for a small amount of money. But it is not the money but the principle.This also reminded you of that Australian lady whom you made the wedding dress for, and when it was finished, and she was happy because she looked gorgeous in it, she decided that what you were asking for was too much....

"IT SHOULD ONLY BE HALF OF THAT AMOUNT BECAUSE OVER IN ASIA, LABOR IS VERY CHEAP", she told you.. You were shocked to hear her say that and you were torn up inside and told her that "WE ARE NOT IN ASIA".....With a lot of belittling and trying so hard to find faults in the dress to make you see that you don't deserve an Australian pay because you are Asian, You my dearest ME stood up for yourself.....and she paid....

And of course, who can ever forget that Pakistani guy who was the most rude of all.....Sigh!,,such is life and all the crap that goes with it!....But, yet still life is beautiful isn't it?..So go now and look pretty.. Put your make on, don't forget your eyebrows. You never know what time the crew of the Current Affairs show would knock to investigate on you.....Well, we know that you look gorgeous even without make up on according to your adoring husband, but it's still good to draw that eyebrow as high as you can. Magtaas ka na lang ng kilay, like you always do ;) .......

with love..

your other side,

vee

*Writing letters to self is very therapeutic. I started writing to myself when I was about ten years old. As I grew older, the letter writing became seldom and I stopped altogether when the boys were born. Raising children , occupies most of a mother's life. But now that they are no longer minor children, I start writing to myself again ;)... It's the only way anyone can get in touch with the authentic self.

INTEGRITY

INTEGRITY...moral soundness; wholeness; completeness; entirety; the quality or state of being unimpaired......that is according to the Webster's Dictionary....

I used to think that INTEGRITY is simply doing the right thing even if nobody is watching...
But in the last few years of going back and forth to the homeland , mixing , interacting, observing their ways of dealings, I saw the truth about an openly corrupt society which I actually find very confronting and makes me feel very uneasy...I realized then that most of the people including most members of my family have no idea of what INTEGRITY is and what role it plays in order to attain a more dignified kind of life as humans...

I now think that in the case of a very open corrupt society, INTEGRITY is actually doing the right thing especially when everyone is watching..And this is a lot harder and very very difficult to attain because more likely, you'll find yourself alone in your convictions and it can be very lonely especially if you are surrounded with your very corrupt loved ones whom you long so much to spend time with..

For as long as INTEGRITY is not embraced by the majority, the fight to rid of corruption will remain a fight without hope of winning..INTEGRITY must be taught from primary school to university students. Because a person of INTEGRITY will never ever be corrupted no matter how many millions of dollars he/she is offered as bribe. A person of INTEGRITY wil not buy nor sell votes during the times of election. What good is it to achieve the highest education if they have no integrity?.. INTEGRITY is the right every human being must grab. It enriches the spirit of the whole of humanity.**hv**

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My beloved guard dog Lad showed me INTEGRITY from the day we adopted and took him home from the dog pound on May 1991 until he was put to sleep on February 2005. I still miss him. Lad is simply the best.

INSIDE A BEAUTIFUL MIND

Every time I feel a little down ( like I do now ). I open my treasure box ;). In it I have cards , letters and other small things that mean so much to me. This morning, I read this letter again which I have read many many times before but still gets me laughing every time and leave me with a lovely memory of a gentle human being. So I thought I will share it here. It's from Russell, a client who became one of my unforgettable friends. This is a bit long but it is worth reading and knowing what's inside a beautiful mind. Russ never mentioned anything about him moving to Tasmania. I didn't hear from him for a while, then I was shocked to hear from him. he called to ask if I received his letter....I treasure this letter and I treasure the day I met Russell and how can I ever forget that magical jacket I made for him?.. ;)
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Date; 14th October 2002

Dear Hazel & husband .

It has been such a long time since I wrote to you that i thought i had better put finger to key.
I'm enjoying life here in Tasmania, St. Marys, or should I say 5 km out of it, it's lovely and serene. It certainly beats suburbia. I am on 12 HA and there is plenty to keep me occupied and busy. I am doing a two room extension already, after only being here just over 12 months. I'm adding a bathroom, laundry, toilet, combined bedroom/sitter for guests and two balconies. I have put a low window in where the bath/spa is going so i will have a lovely mountain and ocean view. Two walls of the bedroom/sitter are all glass also, I am really lucky to have it at my door step. I still can't believe this and land generally in Tasmania is so cheap, my place was only $55,000. the two storey house is mainly second hand materials but it is only seven years old. The site has been used as a farm complex since the 1850s so the gardens are established, there is another 2 storey building suitable for my lapidary which I still haven't set up yet but is about 5 years old but it's too small and roughly constructed to sleep and live in.

There is also a chook house, there is a fenced off area about the size of a suburban block which is currently a vegie garden but would make an ideal house site because of the views, and , I had a 12x6 meter new shed built, which currently houses my belongings which won't fit into the house, and my 12'6' twin hull boat sits in one of the three bays. Only one of the garage bays is enclosed. Luckily, I have no shortage of water, there are two dams and two springs coming out of the hill behind the house. It was going to cost $19,500 to get the electricity connected, it is a fair way away, so I have opted to a generator which give me about 4 hours of electricity per tank full for $5.00. I don't need it on much since it's only me and my main uses are for cooking, building ( power tools) and computer.

There is a good B-B-Que which i put gas on to and I had 2 circular galvanised steel seats made. One is beside the B-B-Que and the other serves as an outside kitchen table in a nice weather. They cost $750 each to get made to my design. The house site is fully enclosed with a fence and 2 main gates with 2 single gates which i put in to give me access to the dam etc. and is about 2ha in area. One of the springs form a creek and runs beside the house through the yard and then into one of the dams.

When I moved in there was a useless small potbelly stove which I replaced with a gas heater which is great, it warms the house up in very little time. The land is a mixture of slopes, hills and flat areas which all adds to the appeal and character. There are quite a few trees well established but they aren't a fire hazard. Just for emergency I am buying a second hand petrol run fire pump from a farmer for $900 complete, it has a 3000 gal water tank and the pump has only been used 5 times. I have been fairly busy. On Saturday night i wrote list 3 pages A4 of things I had done since I arrived, and another list of 46 things that I can think of that need to be done over the 12 months. I get a man in for 5 hours a fortnight so I don't have to do it all myself. I bought a 5 tonne truck and use it for carting building materials etc. and for landscaping materials. It only cost $800 plus I put a second hand steel tray on for $1500. I also have a series 2 Land rover which I use most of the time to preserve the Mitsubishi 4 WD 7 seat bus.

I tried my luck at chooks(24) and ducks(16) but the Devil Cats and the wild cats ate them. I tried sheep (6) but they proved too silly and useless. I had six goats but they made a nuisance of themselves eating the garden and ring-barking the trees so I gave them away free. I had a dog but he attacked the neighbours sheep so he got put down and replaced his sheep with my six. I thought about putting saltwater fish in my fish tank but I can't give them oxygen with limited electricity to run the air pump. Now I have settled to putting plants, rocks and statue animals in my 4ft fish tank and I don't have to feed them and it looks nice.

My double bed is upstairs and I have it suspended from a boat winch mounted to the rafters in exposed ceiling and 4 wires go to the corner of the bed to support it. My rigging skill came in handy and it is a novelty. I can raise the bed up into the ceiling space to get more room for entertaining and for the boys to play when it is raining. Their beds are also attached to one end to the sloping rafters, swing down and are supported by ropes at the other end when horizontal, and pivot up to give more room when not in use. They think it's great. I bought them a mini -bike to also help and amuse them.

Currently I am attempting to get a chess club started. I have displayed some posters around St Marys and the first is December 2nd, if anyone turns up. If it gets under way it will be held in an empty shop in the main street.

There is four bed hospital here and 2 doctors and the usual hospital support staff like physio, social worker, etc. etc.

While I'm on medical matters I have a bit of "Not too good" news. I have to have further spinal surgery at the John Fawkner Hospital in Coburg, Melbourne soon. I will find out the date next week but it will probably be before Christmas if I have my way. It will be done by the same two Orthopaedic and Neurosurgeons who did my back in 1993-4. At this stage there is one joint in my neck and one joint in my back to be fused. I am trying to get them done during the one operation but I won't find out until next week. It has slowed me down a lot because the pain is strong. I have lost 25 kg because of pain and diet in 6 months. I also spent a few weeks in a psyche hospital because of the way the pain affected me recently. If you couldn't contact me by phone that was why. I hope to have D and A (these are his sons who live in Melbourne with his ex wife) over for 2 weeks over the Christmas break but it will depend on when I am to have the surgery and how I am after it.

I got my Marine radio licence and I am setting up a home base station to help Coast Guard. Their radio don't survey this part of the coast and since i am home most of the time i may as well have the radio turned on. It might help someone out one day ( or night ).
That is all about the news I can think of for now. I hope you and yours are well and happy. Drop me a line or give me a call if and when you feel like it, it will be good to keep in touch with you.

Bye for now,
Love, Russ.
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I talked to Russ a few times on the phone before he had his surgery but I couldn't get through since then.I hope he survived it and continue to be independent..Who can ever forget someone like him?.He told me he is a schizophrenic and that is why he is on medication but his pain and the day to day dealing with his illness didn't deter his enthusiasm and his love for life. He was very trusting and cooperative with his doctors and other carers that he made everything easier for all of them....

I haven't seen nor talked to Russell for almost six years now but I think of him often..

ABOUT RUSS .. the MAN WITH A BEAUTIFUL MIND

This is about Russ ...

A tall and heavy looking gentleman. He's eccentric and dresses weird but always presentable and neat.

He first came to me with a request to make him a reversible jacket. Maroon and green on the other side, which he could wear the color according to his mood. The jacket must have a cut out image of a snake made of the same material which i have to embroider, with the tail just showing on the right side front of the jacket and the body of the snake wiggle around the back and the head must rest on top of the left shoulder and sort of flopping, and the tongue hanging out . And on the left chest of the jacket, he wants embroidered seahorse. He showed me a picture of the seahorse that he drew and i must copy..he showed me some different badges of animals and birds that he wants sewn on to the front right side of the jacket.The cut of the jacket must be similar to a Japanese kimono. .
I was speechless after he finished explaining what he wanted. My blood, all of it, rushed up to the top of my head and stayed there long enough to give me a splitting headache..After a couple of minutes, i recovered...Still speechless, i looked at him and suddenly we found each other laughing our heads off to the point that i ended up in tears. . and him with a huge smile from ear to ear..

" I'm sorry hazel for this unusual request, but I really hope that you could make it, i am willing to pay how ever much you want me to" he was almost begging.. .

" When do you need this jacket Russ?", I asked.... .

" Well, I've been studying tarot reading and spiritual healing and i would like to start a matchmaking service..with my psychic ability, I believe that I could bring people together through matchmaking and tarot reading" Russ explained...

" And this coat is what I'm going to wear when i do my tarot reading, so as soon as possible please", he added with a big smile.....

As funny as it sounds, he was very serious with his business plan..I told him to give me a few days to look into my orders and schedules and I'll get back with him.. .

I told my friends about Russ..

"Lunatic!"most of them said..

But, I kept thinking about him and I brought this jacket into my dreams to somehow make sense and ponder how on earth am I gonna make it?..In my dream, I was making the jacket , my dream turned into a nightmare because the snake bit me while I was attaching it on to the jacket. I woke up frightened in the middle of the night. I gave him a call in the morning and told him that YES!.. I will make his jacket :{ . He was very happy excited like an innocent little child. I don't have enough time to write down and describe the pain of making the jacket which took me almost three days. He was so excited when it was finished. He paid me well and added more and hugged me tight and kissed me on the both cheeks when he picked up the jacket... .

A couple of weeks passed, he came back driven by a friend, wearing the jacket i made. The boys nearly died laughing when they saw him through the window... .

"Mom, that jacket Russel is wearing is shocking! it's crap!", they said... .

"You all shut up!!", I told them..." It's a work of art, Russel and i designed it"..

But, I too nearly died myself laughing because that jacket really looked odd lol. He couldn't drive that day because of the effect of the many medications he takes for the back pain caused by a car accident years before, and the drugs he takes for his severe mental illness. Walking like a drunk into my studio, he greeted me with a hug and a kiss and handed me a thank you card and a poem he wrote to thank me for the effort and the "love" I put into his jacket....... .

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Russ' poem.....

LOVE .......

Love should be given,
to self and others,
Like a parent's love,
it seldom smothers.
Love can be given from near or far,
To persons you know or even to distant stars.
Love has been given to you as a gift,
To share with all, to give everything a lift.
Love has been given to help all that is.
It cost you nothing,
to help,
to heal,
All that there is.....
by Russell L. A., 2:30 am, 21/3/2000
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with it is a note;

Dearest Hazel, Thank you for your intuition,love and intelligence in applying your skills to make my coat as i requested with your added input, God's love and mine,

Russ..28/03/2000...

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Russ and I became friends, to the amusement of my so called "normal" friends....I love my job so much , because of it, i get to meet many especial kind and highly spiritual people like my unique and eccentric friend Russ..He loved his coat so much that he came back to deliver two more poems he wrote for me... After that, i have not heard from him for almost a year and then i received a surprised call from him saying he is now living in Tasmania...and that i must go and visit him...I love Russel, to me, he is a truly beautiful human being...with a BEAUTIFUL MIND......