EQUALITY does not exist :(

It will take me for as long as I was in denial , to accept that equality does not exist...I hate the awful feeling of finally accepting this truth....But I am comforted that the many years I spent denying the awful truth, it is this personal belief of equality of humans that gave me strength to lift myself up from desperate poverty and dysfunctional upbringing...to finally come to where I am now where I can honestly feel and experience the true meaning of human dignity....

I am in deep sadness as I write these thoughts, because it is as if equality just died in front of me...This thought of equality was my constant companion since I was a little girl...This thought is the inner voice that drove me to work really hard to succeed if indeed I have succeeded in my own definition of success...This thought of equality guided me to right all my wrongs....It guided me to break free from addictive dysfunctional relationships with my family and culture....Letting go of this belief means killing a huge part of me....

I know how nonsense it sounds to mourn the loss of something that was never there in the first place ....But i am allowing myself to mourn and feel the pain of letting go of this mindset........*hv*...

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For a couple of days now, since I wrote this entry, I feel better that I finally stopped mentally fighting with the awful truth that equality does not exist.....Humans, (including me) really only want to feel equal with those whom they percieved to be above them......I wanted to be in a place where I can feel comfortable, with a home I call my own where I can have all the privacy...a home where I don't feel hungry, insecure and fearful, I wanted abundance..........

Most people I know, corrupt themselves just to reach equality with those above them....They walk all over anyone who are willing to be walked all over on and themselves be corrupted, in the hope of finding their own meaning of equality.....

I may sound high mighty and others may hate me for I can honestly say that I am not one of those who corrupted self to find my own meaning of equality....It is all with hardwork and my love and hunger for learning and desire for emotional, financial and spiritual freedom that I have come to arrive in a place/position where I have become accepted by those whom I thought were above me.....

But their acceptance of me although I appreciate, really don't have much meaning to me.......because my own meaning of equality is far more sacred than theirs'....I have no desire to look down on those who placed themselves down below me...nor do I desire to look up to those who consider themselve above me....My only wish is that, those "below" ( where I came from) , may discover in their hearts the kind of EQUALITY like mine which I have fought so hard for, for most part of my life......and that they fight for their own right to reach it.........What will give them happiness, peace and satisfaction is not that they reached up above....but how they got themselves there......*hv*

*I am having a difficult time accepting this reality, but I know i will get there to accept the truth eventually*